Your Cart

Need help? 📞 Call us! (520) 261-0534

How To Fail At Everything

Success is easy…

  1. Pick one goal that really excites you.
  2. Decide that you will succeed at that goal – no matter what.
  3. Work towards achieving that goal every single day.

…But, failure is hard.

Failure requires you to carefully waste all of your mental and emotional energy in very specific ways.

So, here are the 5 rules you need to follow to guarantee failure in everything that you do:

Rule 1. Always pick three or more goals at a time.

The more goals the merrier. Every goal you pile on will scatter your mental focus and spread your creative energy that much thinner. Three seems to be the magic number where everything falls apart, but, you should aim for as many as you can think of if you really want to guarantee failure in all of them.

Rule 2. Only choose goals that give you a lukewarm feeling.

If you choose goals that make you feel hot and supercharged with energy, you’ll reach them no problem. So definitely stay away from those. What people don’t realize, however, is that the same is true for goals that make you feel cold or even repulsed. If you choose a goal you hate you might accidentally succeed at achieving its opposite, so don’t do that either.

Only go with goals that give you a weak, lukewarm, “meh” feeling in the pit of your stomach. This will guarantee that you only give halfhearted attempts and prevent you from wasting time thinking about your goals, or worse, becoming obsessed with them and building up a strong desire to really work at achieving them.

Rule 3. Make your goals as vague as possible.

This is super important. If your goals are crystal clear in your mind, you might actually stumble upon a useful course of action for achieving them. Be sure to use vague language when writing your goals down. The more you sprinkle your descriptions with phrases such as “well, umm…,” “maybe,” “sort of,” the better.

(Pro Tip: The easiest way to check if your goal is vague enough to guarantee failure is to read it out loud to someone else. If the person gets very confused, and can’t understand what you’re trying to achieve, you’ve nailed it! However, if the other person understands perfectly, and is maybe even a little inspired by what they just heard, you’ll need to throw that goal away and try again.)

Rule 4. Be as inconsistent as humanly possible.

Consistency has a weird way of making things work out even if you’re not very good at what you’re doing. So avoid it at all costs. Even if you’ve followed the first 3 rules, if you work consistently, each and every day on achieving your vague, uninspired goals, you’ll probably still achieve something big through daily action alone.

To avoid this, you must only work towards your goals when you feel like it – which won’t be very often if you followed Rule 2. Spend your days dealing with distractions and following your whims. Keep jumping from one shiny object to the next. And only ever work on your goals when it occurs to you that you’ve just spent the last 5 days binge-watching “The Office” on Netflix, and you should really get in a good 30 minutes of working towards your goal before the next 5 days off.

Rule 5. Give up and pick a whole new batch of goals.

At some point you’ll need to quit. You just have to do it. If you never quit you’ll still maybe reach one or two of your goals through random chance alone. But don’t worry! It gets easier to give up on yourself every time you do it. And soon, you’ll have so many failed goals under your belt that giving up will just come naturally to you. It will be so much a part of your habits that you will automatically fail at everything you ever want to achieve.

Keep these 5 rules in mind at all times (or whenever it occurs to you that your life is going a little too well), and you’ll be back on the path to constant failure and disappointment in no time!

Best wishes,
Jason Lynch
Founder – Speedzen Subliminals

PS – On the off chance that you don’t enjoy over-complicating your life and making everything hard on yourself – or, for some weird reason – you’d rather succeed at every goal you set, then you should probably check this out instead:

Leave a Reply